Negotiations Break Down Again; Administration Warns of Possible Depression

(A white house, Niskayuna, NY) Negotiations stalled for the 125th consecutive minute, dashing early hopes that a compromise might be reached in the tense talks that have gripped this otherwise quiet suburban neighborhood.

As the crisis enters its third hour, both sides reiterated their long-standing positions. “It’s 8:45pm, MythBusters is over, it’s time to go to bed,” said a spokesperson for the administration of Chad Orzel and Kate Nepveu. “Let’s go upstairs, read some books, and go to sleep.”

“I no WANNNNA!!!” replied SteelyKid, the final syllable rising to a pitch that only neighborhood dogs could hear.

Outside observers were divided as to the implications of the talks. “Sleep is essential for proper functioning and development,” said noted liberal economist Poul Kragman. “If a compromise on bedtime is not reached soon, we risk default on the sleep debt, which would produce a horrible whinging sound, potentially crash the bond markets, and risk plunging the household into a deep depression.” Senior administration officials privately agreed that they can’t take much more of this.

“Nonsense,” retorted Mary Rosh of the conservative American Enterprise Institute. “This is a clear issue of personal freedom. If SteelyKid wants to stay up all night, that’s her business. The only way to stimulate the household economy is a complete repeal of bedtime. And a tax cut.”

Over the past two weeks, SteelyKid has held firm in her repeated demands for one more episode of MythBusters. “I want Grant in sand,” she said repeatedly. “Please.” An exasperated administration has complied for the moment, but warns that this is the very last time, and at the next commercial break, it is time for bed.

One thing is clear: as the crisis continues to drag on, compromise seems no closer than it was at dinnertime. “Paper armor!” declared SteelyKid, “Please.” Her support remains strong among the tea party: “We weren’t sent here to go quietly to bed,” remarked Bertha Bear (R- Plushieburg). “If SteelyKid wants to watch more tv, or just bounce up and down yelling at the top of her lungs, we fully support her. Could you pass me some pretend cookies, please?”

Across the aisle, though, tempers seem to be growing short. “One more time, and that’s it,” a senior administration official replied. “And that’s it. I will carry you upstairs if I have to.”

“It could be worse,” remarked registered independent Emmy Orzel. “At least they’re not negotiating with Congress. Can I have a treat?”

9 thoughts on “Negotiations Break Down Again; Administration Warns of Possible Depression

  1. If the White House were to cut bedtime to 7:45, thereby w airing something closer to the medically-recommended 12 hours per night, all parties might be surprised how much better future netotiations proceed. Of course, this not a democracy, it’s a Chadocracy – there need ‘t be any negotiations at all. You have the power of the purse as well as of the TV remote!

  2. Please. As if an R would ever say “please”.

    Can’t administration just threaten to bring out the camera?

  3. Wait, Emmy is a registered independent? I thought she was Queen. I am never going to understand this political system…

    (And I bet that she’ll eventually go to bed on time. Sometimes my son does, and he’s only 18. (Years, not months).)

  4. Brilliant. Although the analogy is a little strained; Eric Cantor is way more unreasonable than SteelyKid.

  5. We campaigned on a promise of never using the “because I said so” strategy. It went the way of all campaign promises in our fist term.

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